Considering divorce

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  • #38148
    DONOTDELETE ****DONOTDELETE**
    Participant

    I am slowly coming to the realization, as much as I don’t want to admit it, that I have married the wrong man. I don’t know if I even want to work it out. I don’t think I love him anymore. Some days are better than others, but lately, most days I can barely tolerate him. Have any of the docs been divorced? I am worried he would try to clean me out financially, and I am certain he would use our child as a pawn. He is a very mean-spirited man, I am finding. Can anyone relate?

    #38149
    horsemanhorseman
    Participant

    My advice: do it only as a very last resort. I suggest counseling. I also have a good book list of marriage books if you are interested.

    #38150
    snssns
    Participant

    Obviously I don’t know your situation or how long you have been married, so can only make general comments. Nobody stays in-love through out their whole marriage. There are ups and downs. You fall in and out of love. Marriage is very hard work to keep it going strong. I second what Horseman said: give counseling a chance first.

    #38151
    psychpsych
    Participant

    The other thing that really can cause divorce is if one or both people have major depression. Before you make the choice and maybe even before couples counseling, you might want to consider individual counseling. I have seen very mean people turn back into nice people when they get treated for depression, and people who are supremely unhappy in their marriages regain hope when they get treated. Just a thought …

    #38152
    GracieThreeGracieThree
    Participant

    That’s a really good idea psyche. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but you make a very good point. I am surprised by how much depression I am finding in my patient population, mostly 40-70 year old men (VA clinic). Lots of it due to general medical conditions.

    #38153
    psychpsych
    Participant

    The bummer is that among women physicians, it’s probably on the order of 30-40%. I’m prepping for a CME talk on depression and anxiety disorders in women physicians, so I’ll have to work on my statistics and get back to everyone when I have my talk ready! I currently have 5 women physicians in my outpatient practice. TREATMENT WORKS!!!

    #38154
    FrauFrau
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    I know this is the doc’s only forum, but having “been there and done that” with BOTH divorce and depression, I wanted to chim in quickly, and then I’ll resume my seat in the back :boxedin:

    I started my mid-life crisis at age 36. It’s a long story and I’ll spare you the details, but depression was a major player. In retrospect, I have probably been dysthymic for most of my life -anal-retentive, stressed-out, and generally an unhappy person.

    Bottoming-out into major depression was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I got counselling, and have been on an SSRI for going on three years now. I am the happiest with myself and my life than I ever remember being. I ended an unhappy marriage of 15 years and went to med school. Last night, I hosted a slumber party for eight, eleven year old girls – something I would have never been able to handle in my “previous” life.

    I guess my point is that depression and marriage can swing both ways. Getting treated can allow you to salvage a good one gone-bad, or can give you the courage and self-confidence to leave one that is dragging you down.

    #38155
    psychpsych
    Participant

    YAY! Good point about how treatment can go both ways. I’m so happy for you. Back to considering divorce — I’m just wondering WHO can you talk to when you feel distressed about your marriage? I had my own therapist for 3 years at the end of residency and beginning of practice which was so great because there was a person who was completely focusing on me for an hour a week and it gave ME the time to focus on me for an hour a week. But I know many people with stressful jobs and marriages find it hard to find time or money for therapy, and it’s hard to find good therapists. Do you guys have time for FRIENDS???

    #38156
    GracieThreeGracieThree
    Participant

    I have time for friends, but my two closest female friends are also physicians, so they understand. “Civilian” friends have fallen by the wayside somewhat as the years have gone by. But I also have to add that my best friend is married without children, so she really makes time for me when I have free time. The other friend is a mom but we work together, so we chat over lunch most days.

    The busier we get, the harder it is to keep friendships up, no?

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