Interview question: fair game or sexist/ momist?

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  • #140271
    megboomegboo
    Participant

    I think it depends. Did you talk about motherhood and/or its demands in your PS or did you bring up your family at all in the interview? Even if it’s an odd, and seemingly sexist question, it’s fair game if you bring up family somehow and there is a question as to whether you can commit.

    That being said, I talked about the birth of my son in my residency PS, and in interviews some asked about my family, but always positive remarks and conversation. A lot of interviewers, especially male discussed how “family friendly” their programs were and how female residents had no problems expanding their families if they so wished. I was always pretty vague about discussing future plans for more kids, and made it clear that my husband is the primary caregiver right now due to his career leaving him more “available”.

    I don’t really know the context with which this comment occurred, so I can’t really say yes or no about it being inappropriate right off the bat – can you elaborate more?

    #140292
    G3PGY4G3PGY4
    Participant

    I didn’t mention motherhood in my PS, but it usually comes up in intv when people see my wedding ring. Also I did mention “spending time with family” in my hobbies/ activities.

    I guess it’s fair game, but it’s doubtful he would have asked a man the same thing. I don’t too much remember the context except that it was regarding my being a mother.

    #140357
    Docmomof4Docmomof4
    Participant

    Funny that it comes up when they see your wedding ring..so people without rings can’t have kids?

    #140389
    evilcynicevilcynic
    Participant

    He’s right, though. :-/

    Personally, I would be fine with being a good resident and GREAT mom.

    I am the child of a doctor-mom, and I know many,many other women doctors’ kids and have my own kids.

    I am a pediatrician, retired from clinical practice at 40 when I decided to be great at parenting and use my degree to put food in the fridge.

    Maybe my standards of GREAT mom differ from other lady doctors.I don’t think so.

    I think we just need to be honest with ourselves about the choices we make, unlike the lady docs of our mothers’ generation who were just thrilled to be able to choose medicine at all.

    Just sayin’

    #140409
    G3PGY4G3PGY4
    Participant

    [quote=gcv]He’s right, though. :-/

    Personally, I would be fine with being a good resident and GREAT mom.

    I am the child of a doctor-mom, and I know many,many other women doctors’ kids and have my own kids.

    I am a pediatrician, retired from clinical practice at 40 when I decided to be great at parenting and use my degree to put food in the fridge.

    Maybe my standards of GREAT mom differ from other lady doctors.I don’t think so.

    I think we just need to be honest with ourselves about the choices we make, unlike the lady docs of our mothers’ generation who were just thrilled to be able to choose medicine at all.

    Just sayin’ [/quote]

    I agree entirely. I saw the other side of that balance, and I have a mom friend that told me she would rather be a good mom and a great resident (because she felt that was her natural inclination), and it didn’t sit right with me. Older docs sometimes lament the change in culture, but I feel like women doctors who are happy at home will be much more effective, in fewer hours. We are not men, and I don’t think we should be treated like them.

    #140417
    SW to MDSW to MD
    Participant

    [quote=Anonymamanous]
    We are not men, and I don’t think we should be treated like them. [/quote]

    I have to take issue with this statement. I feel that we should be treated equally, otherwise it opens the door to make comments like in the OP acceptable.

    Everyone has to make decisions that are right *for them and their family* as to work/home balance. That balance will most likely be very different for each of us, and as women the most important thing we can do is be supportive of each other’s choice on that spectrum.

    #140419
    evilcynicevilcynic
    Participant

    [quote=SW to MD]
    Everyone has to make decisions that are right *for them and their family* as to work/home balance. That balance will most likely be very different for each of us, and as women the most important thing we can do is be supportive of each other’s choice on that spectrum.
    [/quote]
    Without question, equal opportunity and self-determination should be there for all women.

    True also is the importance of family situation.

    My best friend is a primary care doctor with a young child, and she works full time with a great nanny at home for the day-to-day work of childcare. She is honest with herself and others when she admits she would go nuts at home; she is definitely a good mom and a great doctor, and would do a great disservice to herself and her family if she was home and restless.She chooses excellent, nurturing nannies and respects their hugely important place in her home as her surrogate; part of the family unit.

    My mom would have been miserable taking care of us for hours and doing “mommy stuff” instead if being at work doing what she loved. We kids knew it was her identity and we were independent quite young, which has its merits.

    We need to support other women no matter what.I believe support includes sharing information candidly, such as the experience of being a child in a doctor-mom family and how a mom’s choices may affect her family, so she may decide what works for everyone in the family in both short- and long-term.

    Ack! I totally hijacked this thread…apologies to the OP!

    #140428
    G3PGY4G3PGY4
    Participant

    Not at all hijacked I would love to see this turn into a bigger discussion 🙂

    #140429
    G3PGY4G3PGY4
    Participant

    [quote=SW to MD][quote=Anonymamanous]
    We are not men, and I don’t think we should be treated like them. [/quote]

    I have to take issue with this statement. I feel that we should be treated equally, otherwise it opens the door to make comments like in the OP acceptable.

    Everyone has to make decisions that are right *for them and their family* as to work/home balance. That balance will most likely be very different for each of us, and as women the most important thing we can do is be supportive of each other’s choice on that spectrum.

    [/quote]

    I don’t know. I feel like my mom’s generation had to fight for absolute equality and ended up pushing the balance to equivalence. I feel like our (general) biological need to gestate, nurse, etc at a biologically appropriate time has to be considered as a factor in how we otherwise contribute to society via our careers.

    I agree totally that right now support is the most important thing working moms can provide each other.

    #140430
    G3PGY4G3PGY4
    Participant

    [/quote]
    My mom would have been miserable taking care of us for hours and doing “mommy stuff” instead if being at work doing what she loved. We kids knew it was her identity and we were independent quite young, which has its merits.

    [/quote]

    I hope you aren’t offended by this but that statement made me a little sad that the tasks of motherhood are devalued and not something that brings mothers joy. We love medicine. We tolerate a lot of really nasty stuff for the stimulation it brings. We are important to society. We are that much more important to our children. Sure, I’ve made the decision that I might not be able to homeschool and make three homegrown meals a day and our own soap. But I wish going to my son’s Chinese New Year celebration at school was a valid choice, and to watch the lecture I was required to attend online, in my own time. Some places are really doing it — last I read, Yale stops the academic clock for women who are actively reproducing. I think we need more of that, and I don’t think it’s sexist to be accommodating to the innate differences between men and women.

    /end rant

    Good day ladies 🙂

    #140451
    lyn2006lyn2006
    Participant

    [quote=Anonymamanous]

    I hope you aren’t offended by this but that statement made me a little sad that the tasks of motherhood are devalued and not something that brings mothers joy. [/quote]

    I don’t know think that means the tasks of motherhood are devalued, rather than her mother really didn’t want to be doing them. I have to say, I don’t particularly love the day-to-day tasks of mothering either. I get bored hanging out at home with my kids, even if it’s just for a full weekend day when my husband is on call. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my boys, but I don’t really enjoy going to story time at the library or craft hour, or the toddler time or the pool or all the other wonderful things that my nanny takes them to.

    I pay out the nose for an awesome nanny exactly because I think that “mothering” is very valuable! She does the things that I sort of wish I had the patience to do – but the truth is, I love my job as a physician. I love the intellectual stimulation, the patient interaction, my colleagues, reading journals…

    I think that people are just different, and it doesn’t necessarily make you less of a mom if you don’t love doing the daily “mom” things. My kids have a village of loving providers and I feel lucky that I can work as I please while they are with their nanny or one of their grandmothers 🙂

    Would love to hear others’ thoughts!

    #140453
    clee03mclee03m
    Participant

    I think that people are just different, and it doesn’t necessarily make you less of a mom if you don’t love doing the daily “mom” things. My kids have a village of loving providers and I feel lucky that I can work as I please while they are with their nanny or one of their grandmothers 🙂

    Would love to hear others’ thoughts!

    I totally agree with this. I do enjoy all the day to day things like going to the library readings. I would love to personally do the day to day things because I enjoy them so much, and not because I think my kids would benefit if I do it. But this does not make me a better mom.

    What I don’t understand is why some of us feel the need to pass judgement on others or even ourselves if we don’t fit the mold of a mother we feel is ideal. One of my partners at work feels guilty because she doesn’t want to work part time despite that her child is thriving at the most prestigious day care. That is so crazy. Motherhood should not be treated like some rat race. Every child and his/her mother and their relationship is different. Like most relationships, it is hard to judge without being a part of them.

    #140456
    annie501annie501
    Participant

    clee03, your post reminds me of a quote on my mirror…
    “There are no winners in housekeeping and parenting. If you think you are winning, then everyone else thinks you’re an ass.”

    #140458
    Docmomof4Docmomof4
    Participant

    [quote=lyn2006][quote=Anonymamanous]

    I hope you aren’t offended by this but that statement made me a little sad that the tasks of motherhood are devalued and not something that brings mothers joy. [/quote]

    I don’t know think that means the tasks of motherhood are devalued, rather than her mother really didn’t want to be doing them. I have to say, I don’t particularly love the day-to-day tasks of mothering either. I get bored hanging out at home with my kids, even if it’s just for a full weekend day when my husband is on call. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my boys, but I don’t really enjoy going to story time at the library or craft hour, or the toddler time or the pool or all the other wonderful things that my nanny takes them to.

    I pay out the nose for an awesome nanny exactly because I think that “mothering” is very valuable! She does the things that I sort of wish I had the patience to do – but the truth is, I love my job as a physician. I love the intellectual stimulation, the patient interaction, my colleagues, reading journals…

    I think that people are just different, and it doesn’t necessarily make you less of a mom if you don’t love doing the daily “mom” things. My kids have a village of loving providers and I feel lucky that I can work as I please while they are with their nanny or one of their grandmothers 🙂

    Would love to hear others’ thoughts! [/quote]

    I agree as well-I like doing those things some of the time:) I work half days so I can have the perfect balance for me-some time with my kids, and some time at work and to myself. I think my professional time makes me a better mom to my kids b/c it is what I need. Not everyone needs that. Some women can’t stand to be away from their children. I don’t have a nanny because I want to do most things myself, but we do have a ‘village’ of caregivers who help here and there and the kids are really benefiting from that. But that is my family and my children. Everyone’s situation is different. And we need to support each other.

    Just curious why your son’s chinese New Year celebration isn’t a valid choice, Anoymomanous? I think we as women need to make it ok to say we are going to do something with our children. Docs of both genders could benefit from this. I know in my practice, I am not afraid to say I need to leave early for a school event here and there. My boss not only supports this, he feels free to do the same thing, and we are supportive as a practice of that….I really think we need a societal priority shift!!!

    #140464
    megboomegboo
    Participant

    [quote=lyn2006][quote=Anonymamanous]

    I hope you aren’t offended by this but that statement made me a little sad that the tasks of motherhood are devalued and not something that brings mothers joy. [/quote]

    I don’t know think that means the tasks of motherhood are devalued, rather than her mother really didn’t want to be doing them. I have to say, I don’t particularly love the day-to-day tasks of mothering either. I get bored hanging out at home with my kids, even if it’s just for a full weekend day when my husband is on call. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my boys, but I don’t really enjoy going to story time at the library or craft hour, or the toddler time or the pool or all the other wonderful things that my nanny takes them to.

    I pay out the nose for an awesome nanny exactly because I think that “mothering” is very valuable! She does the things that I sort of wish I had the patience to do – but the truth is, I love my job as a physician. I love the intellectual stimulation, the patient interaction, my colleagues, reading journals…

    I think that people are just different, and it doesn’t necessarily make you less of a mom if you don’t love doing the daily “mom” things. My kids have a village of loving providers and I feel lucky that I can work as I please while they are with their nanny or one of their grandmothers 🙂

    Would love to hear others’ thoughts! [/quote]

    I’m glad you wrote this. I feel this way too often. Sometimes I can’t get enough of the little dude, other times my mind is elsewhere.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 52 total)
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