Interview question: fair game or sexist/ momist?

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 52 total)
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  • #140466
    sahsah
    Participant

    Just curious. All you who said “I’d rather be a good resident and a great mother.” that “I care more about my children than my patients but where I’m here I’m here”
    If your child was dying of cancer or needed an emergent surgery, would you choose the doctor who said that?

    #140467
    lyn2006lyn2006
    Participant

    [quote=sah]Just curious. All you who said “I’d rather be a good resident and a great mother.” that “I care more about my children than my patients but where I’m here I’m here”
    If your child was dying of cancer or needed an emergent surgery, would you choose the doctor who said that? [/quote]

    I think it’s kind of ridiculous that someone would think I “care” more about my patients than my children! I care more about my children more than anyone else in the world, as do (I would hope) all parents – not just mothers. That doesn’t mean I’m thinking about them and distracting myself from patient care when I’m at work…

    And I specifically did not comment about being a great or good mother or resident. I strive to do my best at both and some days I feel terrible at one or the other, or both. It’s the nature of the beast. Motherhood and residency are hard and of course we are always being judged at how we are doing at both, but I try not to go into my days thinking that I will try to be a great resident at the expense of my mothering.

    #140468
    lyn2006lyn2006
    Participant

    One more thought from my night of sitting in the OR doing too many cases (lots of time to think luckily, haha!) – I wonder if partly why I feel like I don’t love “mothering” things, like going to story time, etc, is because I often feel like I have so much to learn since I’m still in training. If I didn’t have written and oral boards, etc, hanging over my head, perhaps it wouldn’t be quite so much of a drive to feel like I should be reading or doing questions every free moment I have…

    #140469
    clee03mclee03m
    Participant

    [quote=sah]Just curious. All you who said “I’d rather be a good resident and a great mother.” that “I care more about my children than my patients but where I’m here I’m here”
    If your child was dying of cancer or needed an emergent surgery, would you choose the doctor who said that? [/quote]

    I would trust a doctor who has balance in his/her life more than someone who has devoted his/her entire life to medicine. I think it is dangerous when someone makes medicine their entire identity and tie their ego into it. People who are bitter because they have no life outside of medicine don’t necessarily make good doctors either. Who would have more compassion for my child–a mother who knows how precious my baby is or someone who looks down upon mothers who work? Just because someone is not a mother does not guarantee she is devoting all of her free time to medicine. I dare to say all childless residents I knew did things outside of medicine that took time away from medicine. If we mothers choose to raise our kids instead of watching TV or go out for drinks, what is so bad about that? I feel that I am a better physician, a better co-worker, a better person in general because my children have been the best mirror for self reflexion which has made me focus on self discovery and betterment.

    #140470
    clee03mclee03m
    Participant

    [quote=lyn2006]One more thought from my night of sitting in the OR doing too many cases (lots of time to think luckily, haha!) – I wonder if partly why I feel like I don’t love “mothering” things, like going to story time, etc, is because I often feel like I have so much to learn since I’m still in training. If I didn’t have written and oral boards, etc, hanging over my head, perhaps it wouldn’t be quite so much of a drive to feel like I should be reading or doing questions every free moment I have… [/quote]

    I am sure this plays a huge part. When you feel pressed for time to study, I find it is hard to enjoy life in general. That being said, I think some people just don’t enjoy the that kind of stuff. May be you will find you love participating in activities of older children and I will find I hate it. Or may be once you passed the orals, you will find yourself relaxing more and loving the kid stuff. Or you will have even more on your plate with research and pressure to publish. Whatever the case, I am sure you are a wonderful mom and a great role model for your kids.

    #140474
    asunshineasunshine
    Participant

    So should I tell my kids they can either be a GREAT student or a GREAT daughter? Or my husband that he can either be a GREAT spouse or a GREAT dad? Do I barge into my daughter’s classroom and tell her teacher that she can either be a GREAT teacher or a GREAT mom, so what’s it gonna be?

    Can we just get over this once and for all? Every parent since the dawn of time has both worked and raised kids, yet this is still a stumbling block for us. Again, we are ALL working and raising kids, and doing it as best as we can according to our respective situations. Notice I did not use the word “choice”.

    Why have we confined ourselves into thinking that we can only exist as either workers or parents? What about all the rest that makes us us? As spouses, children, siblings, philosophers, artists, athletes, financial whizzes, TV junkies, epicureans, dreamers….? Our lives are not two-dimensional, so why do we still try to cram our existence into this construct? So we can have a constant source of self-hate at the ready?

    I really have a hard time caring whether I’m GREAT or not lately. GREAT implies competition and a need for external validation. I just want to be good. I want to do good, and I want to be a good person. If someone wants to judge their slate against mine just so they can deem themselves GREAT, fine.

    PS-love that quote, Annie.

    #140475
    tr_tr_
    Participant

    Hearted for truth asunshine.

    #140476
    southernmdsouthernmd
    Participant

    Asunshine – LOVE this. I heart you!

    #140477
    AmmaMDAmmaMD
    Participant

    Some really great comments here =)

    One more thing to add: having been on the patient/family side of someone with a critical illness, I can say from experience that working with a physician who has made medicine their identity to the exclusion of normal family life DOES have all the drawbacks you think it might. MDs are not robots who take in data about symptoms and spit out diagnoses and treatment plans. They also seek to help us to make decisions about those treatment options that are consistent with our values, hopes, risk tolerance, fears, what have you. Trying to work with an MD who seems unable to connect with you about what it’s like to have a family member with a terrible diagnosis, what it’s like to try to weigh high upfront risk but better long term odds against lower total LE but lower initial mortality/morbidity…. when they don’t even seem to understand why spitting out mortality statistics on the first visit with no warning can make you flinch… it’s an awful experience.

    The positive aspects to being a real, loving person in the world on your ability to be a caring physician are real.

    And Clee03m and asunshine’s posts are totally right on, too! Asunshine, your first paragraph should become an internet meme or something =).

    #140489
    clee03mclee03m
    Participant

    Seriously someone make asunshine’s post a sticky so we can refer to it whenever this question is raised on this forum!

    #140492
    lyn2006lyn2006
    Participant

    Yes, said so well asunshine! Love it!!!

    #140494
    lyn2006lyn2006
    Participant

    I’ve been thinking about my patient interactions and realized that I bring up my kids constantly because it is actually a really great way to loosen up my anxious patients pre-surgery. In anesthesia I have maybe 15 minutes to meet someone, in a really high stress time, and I ask about their kids if I get a chance. They often LOVE hearing about my 2 boys. I’ve consistently gotten excellent reviews of how patients like me so I would say that it is in fact quite helpful to be a mom!

    #140496
    asunshineasunshine
    Participant

    Aw, thanks, ladies. And I totally agree; the physicians I idolize for their clinical skills also happen to be the ones who invest a significant amount of time in their relationships outside of work. I think that is more than just correlation. 😉

    #140507
    clee03mclee03m
    Participant

    I totally bond with the ladies in OB much the same way. Actually by talking about how I was a sobbing blubbering mess despite getting early epidurals both times. Patients love hearing about how they are so much tougher than me. I found out I have like zero pain tolerance 🙂

    #140520
    SW to MDSW to MD
    Participant

    Asunshine, you rock. I love your post. 🙂

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