Not that I want to start my first entry this way..

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    I am 12 weeks pregnant with a 17 month old boy at home. Today is the first day of my vacation, and I have the worst sort of a head cold or allergies. I started to sneeze so hard that pee started to dribble down my legs. Then as I was sitting on the toilet to try to empty my bladder, I sneezed again and a big ball of snot landed on my thigh. I feel beyond gross.

    And then my husband started giving me shit because he hasn’t had any time to himself all day. Seriously? My nose is so raw from blowing my nose that I am having to blow my nose into my hands and wash them. Oh, did I mention I have the worst kind of morning sickness and exhaustion? I am so miserable.

    Ok. Not the worst kind of morning sickness. I am not hospitalized or anything. Just very nauseated all day punctuated by waves of very intense nausea and gagging.


    I have discovered that if I lean forward, the nose just drains without having to blow my nose. This is so gross.


    The best thing in the world for me is my Netti-Pot. Helps to keep all that junk out of the nose without meds.

    I was not a happy camper when I was pregnant. I had morning sickness that lasted all day for the first trimester, and then I was tired the rest of the time. My husband was never home, and when he was, he was not available. What saved me was hiring neighborhood teens and college kids to come over for a few hours and play with my older ones so I could take a nap. Those teens were more like older sibs to my kids and the kids loved having them over to play. Naturally, I picked kids who were mature, responsible, and able to handle toddlers, and I was also on hand in the house. As these kids got older- along with my own kids- they were the best babysitters if I needed to go out.

    For outings, I would bring along a neighborhood pre-teen. They were still young enough to enjoy a free trip to the zoo or a kid movie, and they loved having some pocket money as well. So nice to have an extra set of hands for potty breaks and meals, or to just run after them at the park when I got too big to run fast.

    Hope you feel better 🙂


    Sorry for the whine fest up there! I recovered from the head cold fully and went on a great vacation. My son is getting to be so fun to travel with! He is positively obsessed with trucks and while we were driving, he learned the signs for big and small by comparing industrial trucks vs. pick up trucks.

    BTW, my husband and I are very liberal, and we are very gender neutral with my son. He has a kitchen set, a pink baby doll, baby crib, and even a pink doll strollar along with cars, train set, blocks, and duplos. Funny thing is that he is totally obsessed with cars, trains, buses and trucks. He does like his pink strollar, but mainly because he gets to crash it into the walls.

    I am a rock climber, and last weekend I went to Squamish in British Columbia for some climbing. I had been feeling so tired for the first trimester, and I was so happy that I finally felt relatively normal and climbed well. For those of you horrified, don’t worry. I am not leading anymore which means I am not risking falling. I don’t seem to be as lucky with nausea. I am into my second trimester, and nausea seems to getting worse and not better. And with food aversion, I am having a hard time eating. I have only gained 3 lbs so far… Last pregnacy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and I had such a hard time gaining weight because of diet restrictions. I have an appointment in a few weeks, so I will see if my doctor is OK with my very slight weight gain. I hope that I am not diabetic again. That was aweful. I am such a carb fiend.


    Ahh! You gave me your head cold LOL

    WTG on your weight gain, that’s an accomplishment! I’ve put on 13 pounds over these 25 weeks, and I need to hold it. I was a little thick to begin with and baby will literally be ok if I don’t gain anymore. And, I’d like it to not be such a burden to get rid of after!!


    None of you people with your weight gains should worry here. I gained 60 lbs with my pregnancy last year. I have lost 47, so I don’t have much to go, but you will be fine.

    Congrats Clee on being so active while expecting! That’s incredible, and I should have totally done that! I’m a runner, and I wish I had kept up when I was pregnant. Would make all this weight losing easier now!


    Haha, while nausea is still going strong, my appetite has really picked up. Now, I am eating so much, it is scaring me a little.

    Big news is that tomorrow is the first day I am taking off to spend with my baby. The plan is to take off one day a week for as long as we can afford it. And despite my total financial paranoia, I am doing it! And I went ahead and even took one of next weeks off. Yikes! First thing we are doing tomorrow is to go over our finances and budget item by item. I feel so financially reckless…


    I am an anesthesiologist practicing in an non-academic center. Full time is about 65+ hours a week, but now I am taking about 10 hours off per week, so I am working 55+. I have a husband with a very flexible schedule who is willing to pretty much do everything domestic. We hire help to ease the burden off my husband. My mother in law takes care of the baby while we work. She had never wanted to be paid because she said she is not hired help. We gift her monthly just because we felt like we needed to show her our appreciation somehow, but the amount is meager. I am a rock climber. I would say next to medicine, that is my second passion. I have a wonderful 18 month boy and expecting another one in March. I have achieved financial security.

    The question is, why do I feel like my life is still not balanced???!!!

    Before I had the baby, I said there is no way that something as little as having children would affect my career. Right. Having my son changed my life. And my career. I stopped taking on more responsibilities of running the group. I declined to be in any more leadership postions. It is clear to everyone that becoming a leader in our physician group is no longer a priority for me. While my other male collegues with small children take on more responsibilities and step up to take over as leaders, I am shrinking away from additional responsibilities. In fact, I just couldn’t handle not spending enough time with my baby and have decided to start taking one day off per week. I may even consider taking more time off if we figure out that it is financially possible.

    Even with one day off per week, I still feel like I simply don’t have enough time for myself, my husband, or my son. With my son, I feel like taking one day off per week is just scratching at the surface of what I need with him.

    I have not really spent alone time with my husband since my son was born. We go to the opera and that is it. I have decided to spend at least 2 hours a week alone with my husband. But even just 2 hours a week feels like time I should be spending with my son. My husband and I have talked about spending a weekend a quarter alone, but I am just not sure if I am ready.

    I take 30 minutes each day at night to get on the exercise bike. I try to go to the rock gym and hang out with my friends once a week, but many times I can’t tear myself away from my baby. I am slowly losing my friends (who are all climbers) because I am not really available to climb much). I have gone climbing with my baby and had a great time, but that is so much work, and finding partners who will be happy with a baby is pretty hard. When I spend time away from my son, I feel guilty and regret what I am missing out with my son. So I end up with work, baby, work, baby, work, baby until I feel totally burnt out where I don’t spend quality time with my son because I am not all there. I think finding mom friends would be helpful, but so far, I have a hard time relating to other moms and people who are not very outdoorsy or active. And I don’t even have time to spend with established friends and feel like seeking new ones out is really not that realistic.

    I feel like I have a pretty great situation. Why do I feel like I am not balance at all? I feel like I am short changing my career, my son, my husband, and myself. Is this how parents who work many hours feel? What more can I do?


    The night started so promising. I thought I would be back home with my son by 7:30 at the latest. At 10:23 I am still here. I barely had 10 minutes for dinner at 10 PM where I ate whatever I could find at the doctor’s lounge: a piece of wheat toast, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, and some kind of berry smoothie with protein that tasted like drinking chalk. I feel guilty because I was starving my unborn child without dinner. And when I did manage to eat, I ate so badly. It is like I am already a bad mother, and he is not even born yet!

    I have started my internal debate over whether I should go home when I am done here. I am thinking I will be here until 1 AM or so. It would be logical to stay at the hospital and sleep, but my son wakes up asking for me every morning. And majority of mornings I am not there.

    I called my husband, and I could hear my son keep saying “mama.” I had no idea that working and having kids would be so difficult. Why is it that other people seem OK, but it kills me?


    Oh clee, that sounds heartbreaking 🙁 Can your husband bring your son around when you have late hospital nights? Maybe have dinner together in the cafeteria or hang out a while in the lounge?


    Well, I decided to drive home and got in at 3:30 in the morning. It was worth my son excitedly yelling ‘mama’ this morning. I didn’t get to spend as much time with my son as I normally do on a post call day because I slept a lot. But I have tomorrow off! I don’t know why I didn’t start taking time off sooner. Since I knew I have a whole day to spend with him tomorrow, I didn’t feel aweful about sleeping in and taking a nap. I was refreshed after a long nap and spent quality time with my son tonight. He is so cute! I can’t believe I had strongly considered not having kids! And now I’m on my exercise bike with only a little guilt.

    My husband does bring my son to work when I am just hanging out. Sometimes he hangs out near my work all day in hopes I can get away for a few minutes epecially for weekend call.

    I have found that the local YMCA has toddler classes. I am signing up for a few. My son goes to Music Together with me, and he seems really shy. I think some socialization with other kids will do him some good. I was excited to seethere were some evening and weekend classes. And so far I have been able to take wednesdays off so I will sign up for some M/W classes. May be I’ll meet some cool moms.

    I must confess that I have a hard time befriending SAHM’s. Is it my imagination or do they tend tobecome super uncomfortable when they find out I am not SAHM but work as a doctor? And they meet during work hours.

    Well gotta go. My obligatory 30 min bike session is over. I hear my son. He’s still up!



    So I was sick again this weekend. I think I may have had the flu. I was in bed for the entire weekend. Being that I was brought up by vegan granola parents, I believe that when I am repeatedly sick, the balance is off in my life. Well, I am working less. I exercise everyday. I eat local organic food, mostly vegetarian, and only eat out twice a week. So the only thing I can come up with was that I am putting myself under a lot of stress for no reason.

    I have been stressed out about work (not the clinical stuff but all the BS that goes with being a physician). I have been really stressing because I have been under a lot of mommie guilt.

    So I have decided that I am not going to stress out.

    First, I am a damn good anesthesiologist. I am efficient, hard working, and with good outcome. I keep a cool head in crisis. I never cut corners when it comes to working hard (as we are a ‘socialist’ group, some people cut corners to work less).

    Second, my son is well adjusted and thriving. Any guilt I feel is my demon not his.

    I must take care of myself and be happy and healthy to be a good mother and a good anesthesiologist. So no more stress!

    Also, I am going to try to find balance in my life.
    1. I am going to be fully present when I am with my son. Find fun activities and such. Already I signed up for a few classes at the Y and will find out which ones I got this week.
    2. Seems that some super moms can give up social life and still remain happy, but unfortunately that is not me. So, I am going to try to work out with my climbing buddies once a week. When I feel the need, I will climb with them on weekends. I will try to attend some of mommy meetups and see if I can meet some cool moms. Hell, cool moms who are not turn off by doctor moms have to be out there, right?
    3. Continue eating well and exercising.
    4. Start spending alone time once a week with my husband. We were supposed to start this week, but I got the flu so and bed bound…

    Go me!


    I feel sooo much better now that I am taking one day off per week. My mother in law and I are getting along better. Now that my crazy jealousy has subsided, I realize that I was bat you know what crazy. She is so wonderful with my son. But I am glad we drew up some boundaries. She is going home more often letting the three of us to have more family time. She gently encourages my son to play with me when she and I are both with him. My husband and I stopped including her in everything we do that involves the boy. We are over all more balanced than before. And my mother in law does not seem any less happy.

    My new obsession is arts, crafts, and creative activities for my son. I realize this is a bit of a pattern I have. Even before my son was born, I always needed some kind of pet project. Before my son, I would be mostly obsessed about rock climbing. I would always be researching the best gear, next place to climb, finding and learning the topo’s, etc. After my son was born, I found myself climbing less and less and at a loss for what to do for my pet projects.

    Then came the craigs list days. I found clothes and toys cheap on craigs list…until my son got enough clothes and toys. My husband would argue too much stuff.

    Now, I’ve moved onto arts and crafts. I spend all my time between cases and on call researching crafts. Unfortunately, my list is almost full. My husband wants to look at what I am buying because he says I go a little over board at times. What! Moi?

    I really need to finish setting up my son’s playroom before I buy all these arts/craft stuff. But it is so hard to do that. I want to either play with my son or relax. But I do think the little desk and chairs I got would be perfect for art projects. And I want to also buy an easel. Now, am I going overboard?

    I am also trying out 2 subscriptions. One with toddler kits and one with ‘curriculums.’ I have never been really good with kids and never really babysat or anything, so I am a bit at a loss with my son. Other than music and books, I had no idea what else to do with him. I bought him some toys, but he tires of duplos pretty quickly, and I guess he is too young for wooden trains. That is another thing. I am not very good at guessing that is good for his age. I am hoping I am not making that mistake with the art stuff.

    So here is a list of what I am going to buy.
    1. Finger paint and finger paint paper.
    2. Paint with toddler friendly paint cups and brushes
    3. Chalk for easel
    4. Sidewalk chalk
    5. Dry erase marker for easel
    6. Regular markers
    7. Play dough
    8. Some Alex craft kits for 2 year olds. Heck, my son (19 months) is advanced right?

    Well, this is before my husband. He may veto some stuff.

    Well, I am going on a girl’s night out tonight. I was going to climb on Sunday with them as well, but I think I may have to cancel. My symphysis pubis instability is acting up again. And I am not sure I can handle not seeing him Friday night and Sunday all day.

    Wow, a really rambling blog, huh?


    Pelvic instability (symphysis pubis instability) is in full swing, and I am officially no longer climbing. I am woddling worse than ever because walking hurts. I really hate it when people say things like “Awwww, you are woddling.” I want to scream at them that I am in a lot of pain. I wish people would just keep all the pregnancy comments to themselves. Did I mention I am a sour and bitter pregnant woman? I don’t know how all those mother goddess types do it with such grace.

    In the end, my husband only veto’ed an art smock that I was going to get for my mother in law. I thought it would be nice for her to have one at her house, but he thought that was too much. Geez, they were like 5 bucks. So I finished ordering all the goodies. The kids stuff is expensive, and they add up! I did make myself feel better by reminding myself that I used to spend that much without blinking at a boutique or the makeup counter. And since I am refusing to buy clothes until I fit my old size, and since I don’t do anything to my skin, I am saving so much money. Only thing I have bought other than maternity clothes in the last 2 1/2 years so far are some comfortable shoes, one pair of jeans, and a sweater. I keep telling myself that after I have this baby and wean him, I will get back into my old shape. It may not be realistic, but since it is saving me money, I am going to keep that dream alive. 🙂 But I digress.

    I had promised myself that his playroom would be finished before I buy anything else, so I finished his playroom yesterday. My husband wouldn’t really help me much. I was rearranging all the crap over and over because I am not very good at knowing where to put furniture and stuff, and he refused to help. So here I was moving all the crap with my pelvis hurting. Well, I guess he did put together the table, vacumed the closet floor, and wiped down the shelves. Talking about tables…well, another new parent mistake. Costco had this really cute wooden patio set for kids, and they were really cheap. So I thought that would make a really good table for craft and such. I realized yesterday, duh! they have grooves. *sigh* But I did buy this finger painting try, so I think I am OK, but how could have have been so dumb? Oh well, the damage is already done. I guess if they really don’t work out, I now have a kiddo patio set? Anyways, the room is done. Now, anything that doesn’t fit into the toy bins in the living room are moving to the playroom. I am excited to have an adult looking house back!

    I have noticed that I must be nesting a bit early. I am going from room to room to throw out everything, unclutter, and organize. May be because I am taking one day off per week, I have the energy to care. But so far, the pantry, the gear closet, and the playroom are clutter free and beautiful. I love gutting out a space, giving/throwing things away, and ending up with a clean spacious space. Ahhh. It’s like a breath of fresh air in the forest…


    I bought the Play-doh Creativity Center (cheaper at Toysrus than Amazon BTW) for my son. It was a big hit. He is only 19 months old, but he was facinated by play-doh. He really like molds and squeezing play-doh out of the garlic press looking thing. He was open mouthed in awe when my husband used the cookie cutter looking thing to make cars. He was very careful with the cars as he ‘drove’ it around the little table that comes with this kit. And of course he loved opening and shutting the box. I really like this kit, even though it was a bit more expensive than the other kits because of the little table it comes with. And I really like how all the stuff fits inside when you are done. I am determined keep our house clutter free.

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