SEX…Can we talk???

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    Well some things I’d like to discuss or have discussed here are:
    1. Why is sex such a hush-hush topic?

    2. Why can’t we (men & women) be HONEST about sex?

    a.If asked by a friend how often I have sex,I find myself adding to the ACTUAL amount per month. What does it really matter? Why do I feel that I should be having sex x # of days /month to be “normal”?

    b. Why do women (most in my opinion) tend to lie about how many sexual relationships they have had prior to THIS one? It’s a double standard. Guys with more experience are thought of as experienced. Women on the other hand would be considered “loose”, “slut”, “easy”….whatever. Aren’t those same guys having sex with these same women?

    c. And what about the “big O”? Why is it portrayed in movies & tv as happening with such ease & in multiples too? Ie. Sex and the City’s Samantha character who humps just about anything that moves and has orgasms without trying.

    Some of the reasons for these questions come from questions asked by patients when they come in for paps. Is it normal? Am I weird? Where is the truth about sex to come from?


    Sounds like a Conference seminar topic to me!
    Especially since I just read in a paper on Vulvadynia (chronic female genital pain) that some patients have trouble finding care because the doctors they go to get flustered talking about S-E-X.

    And with shows like “Sex and the City” showing hyper-sexed characters having uber-orgasms with one guy after another, it’s bound to have a lot of women wondering “what’s wrong with ME?”.
    My personal answer
    Nothing’s wrong with most women!!
    How about you and your husband leave your kids with the Grandparents for a long weekend, and send you to a spa/hotel on Friday with hubby meeting you for a mini-honeymoon on Saturday/Sunday? It’s amazing what a decent night’s sleep, a little self-care and being away from having responsibility for the lions share of the household responsibilities will do for a woman’s sex drive!
    If your sex drive doesn’t go up after that, THEN worry!

    Sex therapists often say the toughest thing about female arousal is that FIRST you have to see if it’s emotional or from just plain exhaustion!

    Great Topic! Anyone know one of the Dr. Bermans?
    Think we could get them to drop in and comment?



    Dr Soon
    Thanks for your comments.

    I think you touched on an important point. As physicians, patients will turn to us for answers to their questions. And it can be difficult for us to discuss with them.

    I usually try to ask about pain with intercourse during my annual paps, but I don’t venture too much further- some due to time, some due to my discomfort as well. Heck, I don’t have all the answers but will try to direct patients to a place they might find the info.

    At a recent PE/pap, a patient timidly asked about orgasms. She stated she had never had one in prior relations & wasn’t sure what they would feel like and as she wasn’t in a relationship currently she wanted to know about vibrators.

    OK – not a question I get asked too often. I tried as best I could to alleviate her anxiety about orgasm , that many women cannot experience them through intercourse alone. That it isn’t like in the movies but does feel good when experienced. As I was not (or was not at the time well versed in vibrators- now I at least know about the hitachi) prepared for such a question, I seemed at a loss. I did explain between internal and external versions and that it is most likely preference when choosing between the two.

    I bet in other circumstances, she may have felt foolish and wanted out as quick as possible. But at least I didn’t laugh. I thought about the question more and wondered how comfortable I would be to discuss such an issue with my OB/GYN. I only see her once a year so the closeness isn’t really there. But isn’t that the typical patient? In for her annual. Unless there’s a problem. But in a 15-30 min visit how much can you really talk about such delicate issues?

    Just wondering how many get these type questions from their patients and how you deal with them in short visits when you also need to discuss birth control, safe sex, calcium reequirements & mammos.

    Also where do you refer patients for more info? Books? Websites? Therapists? ???


    What an interesting topic! I find my situation to be a little different than Dr. MOO’s. I have no problem discussing sexual concerns with my patients, both male and female. As a neurologist, this comes up quite often. While I may not have all of the answers for them, I don’t have a problem telling them what I do know. However, I have a heck of a time talking to my kids about sexual issues. When my older children asked me how the baby got in my stomach, I told them, “God put it there.” While I do believe that children are a blessing from God, I said this to avoid the sex talk. I can talk to patients all day long about their sexual difficulties but I have a very hard time talking to my kids about basic anatomy and human sexuality. :blush: Is this anyone else’s experience? :scratchchin:


    Hi Momof3,

    I have quite the opposite issue with my kids. I find that I want to tell them everything when they ask – it feels very natural to me and I feel silly not answering their questions properly. I have given them somewhat vague answers however, because they are only 6, 5 and 3, and quite frankly I am afraid that other parents are going to FREAK OUT 😮 :boggled: :yes: if my kids tell their kids this stuff. Hehehe.

    Mimi 😮


    Hi All-
    Heck, Mimi- considering that most kids get their info on sex from their peers, you’re providing a GREAT public service by being open with your kids- they’ll pass it on! :goodvibes:

    My folks were always VERY frank and up-front about sex, and I passed that info and “myth-busters” along to my friends all the time in Jr High, High School.

    So really for me, the trouble is I can be TOO frank for some folks. :boggled:

    Teaching theory calls it “Creating the teachable moment”. :p


    interesting that it seems more difficult with your kids
    I do try to get some questions asked ie any difficulty with erections? & any pain with intercourse for women. It’s the “do you have any questions or problems about sex that you want to talk about?” that I have problems with. Also in a 15 min visit seeing a diabetic/HTn patient on many meds, I am sure there are many side effects of meds and due to disease priocess anyway, but I don’t get around to asking about the sex problems. I really need to work on that.

    mimicat & drsoon:
    great that you are so open with the kids. I think that helps them feel open to ask questions.

    thanks for those suggestions. I have actually recommended the Great vibrations web site before. I think that way patients can peruse at their leisure. I found it facinating myself :blush:


    This I just have to jump in on! I was talking to a friend who said she absolutely has to have an O EVERYDAY – she couldn’t believe that all of us who were there at the time did not. She thought we were abnormal and vice versa… I mean everyday, I don’t even wash my hair everyday!!! A piece of cake everyday, no problem??!!

    ANyone else?

    P.s. she has two kids and has maintained this everyday for YEARS


    OK OK OK

    That is just insane!! EVERY DAY??!!! I’d be unable to walk. And what if you aren’t in the mood? Isn’t she ever exhausted? That just can’t be right.

    I am happy with a once a week kinda thing IF not tired or rushed or otherwise not talking to my husband – I mean if I ain’t talking to him I sure ain’t playing nookie with him! :no: And snuggling on the couch is one of my favorites – kinda our Friday night movie special – And NO SEX. What a great deal I say!

    Hey if she likes it daily and her man is up to it and she can get to the big O in the sky EVERYDAY- then I say more power to her! But glad that’s not me.


    I have to get into this conversation! Why is it that women don’t talk about this? How did we get to a social system where it is taboo to discuss sex? I think I would prefer a system where young men and women are taught about themsleves and the opposite sex. I wanted to give my view on this subject from the other side. I had never had the big O and felt very much like there was something worng with me, especially since my husband made such a big deal about it like he was a failure or something. I’m sure that he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad but it did, it made me HATE sex whereas I had always been a very sexual person, so I thought. I was in my mid-20s before I finally got up the courage to find out more about “my problem”. Still, I didn’t feel that I could ask my doctor about it. Whenever I had tried to ask about other things, they were always short with me so I felt that no doctor wanted to talk about this. I ended up researching on the net, in the dark, while everyone else was asleep because I just didn’t feel normal and I hated that it was causing a riff in my marraige. I found a great site by an MD in New York and I started to feel like there was some hope. After reading some wonderful books that his site suggested and making a few other purchases, we finally figuired it out together! There wasn’t anything wrong with us all along, we just didn’t know what we were doing! So, to end this, I think MDs should make themselves more approachable, especially those who deal with issues of the genital area most of the time. I would loved to have found someone to talk to about this years ago, or to have been taught as a young adult. However, since we aren’t even suppose to teach sex education, how are we suppose to teach young adults how their “sexual” bodies work?


    WAY TO GO EMILY!!! :yes:

    That is exactly what I am saying! Why can’t we talk more openly to help each other with these very personal/ intimate issues.

    As a doc, I also want to be able to answer those questions more easily for others as well. But as Emily said, there is still some taboo about the sex issues.

    emily – glad you found what was helpful. if you don’t mind, I’m curious about that site you found.


    um, Emily,
    do u mind sharing the site?
    i have been married for 2 years and have comlrtely lost my sex drive since day 1. it has nothing to do w/stress because i was off for 3 months b-4 med school and v.relaxed. we still do some form of sexual activity almost daily, but i am just not into it. none of it. nort intercourse, not oral, nothing. any advice? i have been todoctor, he says notjhing is wrong. anyone feels same?


    :blush: :blush:
    1.Honestly, how often do you have sex? Per month?

    I would have to say that between my long hours and DH’s as well, we get some action :blush: between the sheets maybe once a week if we’re lucky.

    I couldn’t imagine the energy it would take for me to have sex daily. Sometimes I’m just glad to hit the shower & climb into bed for some shut eye. and a lot of the time I just don’t feel like I’m in the mood or want to even try to get in the mood. Does anyone fake it?

    2. What if you are angry with/at your spouse? Do you still do the deed?

    I wouldn’t want anywhere near him then! 🙂 But I hate going to bed angry anyway. But it isn’t usually make-up sex either 😉

    3. Do you feel more or less horny than your spouse? Or want sex more or less often than your spouse? If so, how do you compromise?

    For me, I usually am the less horny one. I do feel somewhat guilty when I put off my husband. I know I shouldn’t but at times I do. He’s usually ok with taking care of things on his own if need be.


    like i said, we do it pretty much daily, but we are in our mid-twenties, i am i first yeay, hubby has a 9-5 job, no kids. so we have the time…
    but the mood factor? if it was up to me, i would be never in the mood, my hubby is always in the mood (hopefully it will get better w/age). we are still newlyweds- 2 years- so i think our level of activity is normal. what is not normal, is to have zero desire, and this sometimes hurts ny husbands feelings becasue he says that i don’t even let him try to pleasure me. he is v.kind and knows that there is more work for a woman, but i am more like lets get this over with. honestly, this has been one of the biggest disappointments forme. we used to fool around all the time when we were dating but the “horniness” went away 🙁


    confused about sex,

    do you think it due to the stressful change being in med school?

    or are you somewhat upset, even subconsciously, with your husband that hasn’t been addressed?

    if you had the drive before, when did it change? was it sudden or gradually?

    have you had a PE & checked hormones etc? are you on OCPs? They can affect sex drive as well.

    there can usually be something easily fixed if only the cause (physically or psychologically) is found.

    I had just gotten married just before graduating med school- so had a move to a new city & the strangeness of living together which we had not done before PLUS my horrendous schedule as an intern. Let me tell you! I don’t even remember seeing my husband much that year much less have sex- if I did have sex I was surely asleep at the time 🙂 But years later – it took some time before I wasn’t truly exhausted or stressed with both marriage and residency before we got to know each other again.

    I’m still waiting for emily to post that site that helped her- there may be some good tips that could help. emily…..where are you????? we really want to know that web site you mentioned…..yohooo…..are you there…..emily….

    maybe that’ll help get her some cyberspace vibes :crossfingers:

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