the other side…

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  • #35068
    the_husbandthe_husband
    Participant

    Any other husbands of medical wives out there?

    Any one else feel that their kids are suffering because Mommy is working (residency) 100 hours a week? I also work full time (when on a contract) and do most of the household chores, drive the kids (5 and 7), etc…

    I’m not sure it’s possible for much longer – there are 2 more years of residency left, and we’ll be basically strangers by then if things continue as they are….And the kids are asking ‘Where’s Mommy – will she be here before bedtime tonight?’, etc…It’s definitely getting old…

    #35069
    mtdmtd
    Participant

    I feel your pain – but you CAN make it.

    My wife finishes her residency tomorrow. It has been a ten year process for us which has included birth of our 3 children (oldest is now 6). The first couple years of residency are dark. I visited this site often to see if other people were feeling the same. The main thing that helped for us was making a commitment as family that we were going to do it together. Let your kids know how important they are in helping your wife get through. Talk about supporting each other – I know it is not easy when things feel SO out of balance.

    I have never been more proud as a spouse or father than I am now as I see us getting to the end – we have learned a ton in the process. We know how special a family is. I would also predict your wife could not make it without your commitment to be the lead on EVERYTHING else in your lives. We did it – you can too.

    My wife starts a 3 day a week job in November – mother & a flexible career. Would we do it again – probably not. Are we happy we did – absolutely. You are almost there – it gets better every month from here on in. I hope this perspective helps. I don’t even know why I logged on tonight – I hope I was meant to send you a message of what’s possible. Good luck.

    A Husband that made it.

    #35070
    EemaMDEemaMD
    Participant

    I’m a medical spouse that survived an eight year malignant general surgery residency… your post could have been written by me if you just changed the gender (and still can in many ways).

    To complicate matters I am a fourth yr med student myself. My medical spouse did not do so well when I had to start taking call and he had to run errands, do the shopping, take the kids to the doctor, etc. – all things I still did during my first two years.

    It does get better though…

    The approach I have taken with my children during my husbands residency and my med school and future (God willing) residency, it to talk with them about why Mommy (or Daddy) is a doctor. Why it is important to them. Why they decided to do it. Letting them know that even if we are on call we think of them… and we’d rather be tucking them in than doing another H&P down in the ER.

    It’s a hard road… and she couldn’t have done it without your love and support. You deserve big kudos for that.

    Wishing you the best…

    Linda

    #35071
    mommd2bmommd2b
    Participant

    I’m a female spouse, but I also hear your pain. We survived 6 years of residency and 2 years of fellowship 😮 and the last two years (fellowship) were really challenging. I was a full-time grad student and the responsibility of every aspect of parenting, finances, home repairs, etc. all fell on my shoulders. I know that many of these roles are expected of me as a female, but I found them to be overwhelming.

    If you are looking for some support as a medical spouse, you may want to check out the medical spouse network (www.medicalspouse.org). There are several male members who would also feel your pain 😀

    If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, feel free to PM me.

    Kris

    #35072
    the_husbandthe_husband
    Participant

    mtd and EemaMD – thank you very much for the encouraging words….I should be looking at it from the perspective that we are over the ‘hump’, in the home stretch, etc….

    Obviously the problem is as much psychological as logistical – it really is hard to sacrifice parts of your life for the sake of your partner’s success/self-fulfillment. While that has been a woman’s fate for many years, I wasn’t expecting it to be mine….!

    Kind of ironic that the equitable goals of feminism don’t really apply to medical spouses of either gender because there is no way that both partners can have similar jobs/ambitions at the same time – you *can* have it all, but only if somebody else is paying the price too…

    #35073
    the_husbandthe_husband
    Participant

    and mommd2b – thank you too…I lurk on that site too – it’s a good community (though I do prefer this discussion board software:-)….

    #35074
    mommd2bmommd2b
    Participant

    Well, if you know how to install the software, I’m all ears!!!!! Teach me how!

    As for residency…you have two years to go…you definately CAN do this. What kind of a residency is your wife doing, and what are her plans post-training?

    Kris

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