yet another husband issue…

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  • #30502
    TeriTeri
    Participant

    I started this as a reply the thread about a marriage lasting thru residency… but then it got a life of its own and I know its a whole other topic. Any advice will be helpful.

    I really feel where you are at. I only have 3 kids (it seems silly to say only – because 3 are a handful for me)and my husband as much as he wishes it was different, has a career he loves that is just as demanding as my goals of going to med school. Right now my husband is out of the country for a year (he is in the military)the thing that shocked me is that its easier with him gone. I work bartending at 3 different bars and am taking 3 classes and 2 labs this semester and it has actually been less stressful for me than the same schedule minus 2 of the bars before he left.
    The thing is I love my husband very much, but we are both very driven people and we are both draining eachother and our goals are leading us in different directions. So my question is why we are on the topic… What do you do? It seems like someone is going to have to take the backseat at some point as far as careers and life choices are involved but who should it be and what should each of us have to give up and how do you make that equal? It seems impossible to me.
    I wish I could complain about something else as far as my husband goes. He is a wonderful man and he helps me as much as he can as I try to do for him, however I know he is unhappy for the career moves he made in order to help out my career and I feel like I would have been more successful had I not had to accommodate his career. (BTW- I was the VP of a multimedia company before I quit that and took up pre med and bartending is just a fun way to pay for school- I would never even joke about bartending being a career) I guess this gets back to the point some husbands are not cut out for being medical husbands, but this doesn’t mean they are bad people or awful husbands. I guess I just need to sort out my priorities :guilty:

    #30503
    maggie52maggie52
    Participant

    Why is it easier now that he is gone- I wouldn’t think timewise since you are working your fingers to the bone…. does a relative help you with babysitting now? Or did you get a housecleaner?
    Or is it just easier to nothave one more warm body around that makes a mess, and takes up energy etc….I can see where you were coming from…

    #30504
    psychpsych
    Participant

    My husband is only gone for 2 weeks, and I have family help, but what is easier for me is that I don’t have expectations of what he’ll do then get disappointed. If I KNOW I have to do it all, I do it and don’t get irritated that he isn’t doing it. So in that sense things are easier. The other thing is that I have more time for myself. I guess the challenge is to find ways to find time for myself when we’re both home.

    #30505
    efex101efex101
    Participant

    I am also a military spouse and I totally get about life being easier sometimes when he is gone. Less laundry, less involved meals, etc..of course I do miss him dearly and many times I do wish he was not gone, but it is LESS work for me. I put my life on hold until my husband achieved his goal, of course at that time I was not considering medicine. Regardless, I got out of the military so he could pursue his dream, and stayed home. My kids were small and I am so happy that I chose to get out. Now my kids are older, my husband has achieved the “max” in miliary life pretty much although he is still very driven, and I am applying to medical school. It is not easy but if both has “conflicting” goals, one will have to give up momentarily for the other, or it will not work (specially with a family). Have you discussed options, venues to pursue, goals with your husband? is he aware of how you feel? I know that sometimes I assume my hubby knows things about me but he does not, I have to tell him how I feel and really sit down and talk to him. If you like feel free to PM me..and we can chat more. Good luck!

    #30506
    TeriTeri
    Participant

    maggie52- Its hard to explain but the military is the biggest force in my life when Chris is here. To give you an idea “the military didn’t issue him a wife” is the perfect cliche for what its like. But its much easier when i don’t have to deal with his work or his schedule. I have a live-in nanny/sitter (I call her my platonic life-partner) and I can’t get by without her. Unfortunatly with the carrer he has chosen it requires my abosulute participation and devotion to his career. In fact I think being a military wife is a career of its own- but not where my career goals lie.

    psych – Oh I hear you! It is easier when you don’t have someone expecting you do to things and can do them at your own pace. Whats strange is that when he is home we both kind of do our own thing, so time alone isn’t really an issue for me. Does it make sence that we have our own lives and then the life we have together?

    efex101- This is just crazy for me. When we got married we both knew and agreed that we would have to compromise to meet our goals in life. I never considered staying at home, it may sound awful but when I have in the past for short periods and I was miserable and you know it all trickles down hill when mommy is unhappy. It makes me feel bad that I can’t do the ‘mil wife thing’ and be as happy as everyone else seems to be. But then again – we knew this going in to our marriage. And I did know that I would have to work around his career. As for talking to him about this- its been rehashed more than I care to remember. He feels the same way as I do, but he also seems to have more an sentimental grip on things and tells me just not to worry and things will work out. This may sound b*tchy but its must be easy to say that considering that leaving his career to acomidate me before his contract is up is a felony, and just isn’t going to happen. I feel jipped that I know that if anyone gives up anything this time it will be me, and the cost is going to be medical school. On another related issue I am going after medical school not to just practice medicine but to have (I am not sure how to word this) a stronger voice in the political activism I am involed with as far as dealing women’s health and issues. I don’t have to tell you that him marrying something of a politcal activist from a super lib background hasn’t cost him career wise- you know exactly how the military is. And I am sure you won’t be shocked to hear that he is not exaclty thrilled about it on a personal level either. Its like when I was working on the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention projects before I went back to school he was supportive but detached. Not because he doesn’t love me or anything, but because we just don’t share the same views, something we thought love could overcome. And you can guess my feelings about the military, something else love was supposed to conquer. I am just confused and hurt and ticked and busy and tired and sick of dealing with everything like this. I want to parent with him until the day I die and love him forever, but I feel strongly that I have been sitting on a timebomb and if it doesn’t go off now its going to go off later. I don’t want to settle for a partner who is detached from my passions and I know he deserves more interest in his passions. Whats sick is that its not like we are just too busy to be married or something – its that we are pulling eachother a full 180 from where each of us want to be so we are just spinning in the same spot and I want off the marry-go-round. Do I make any sense at all?

    #30507
    efex101efex101
    Participant

    You do make sense. I know it is very difficult when two folks have a lot of different views on life, political issues, career options, etc. My heart goes out to you because I do know how you feel. Many times I have felt the same way and it does suck, and I cannot even imagine how/what I would do if things did not get “better”. Thank goodness that you seem to have a friend that can help you…

    #30508
    TeriTeri
    Participant

    I am glad someone out there knows what I am feeling…makes me feel like I am not going insane. 🙂

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